Melissa Goodnight

If you’re like me you’re headed to Kansas City on Tuesday to set yourself up for success at AWP 2024. If you’re like me, you’re setting yourself up for success by stopping off at your sister’s house to give her dog Billy snuggles and buying a case of Boulevard for your hotel room. So okay, maybe you aren’t exactly like me, but still you’ll be in KC next week and what will you do when the book fair closes? And where is the best BBQ? And on which Boulevard should you invest all your money? And maybe, what even is Boulevard? And also, does Billy like strangers? Answers to all your Kansas City questions below.

First things first. Billy my sister’s dog who does like strangers.

Now let’s talk about Kansas City. Kansas City is one of those towns that is split in half. Well kind of. I’ll save you the history and just say that during the Civil War the Abolitionists of Kansas went to war with the pro-slavery Missourians. The war raged on for, I dunno days (??) in as much as a war with Kansans can rage. We’re a docile lot. I imagine there was a lot of slap-fighting. It resulted in the Free State of Kansas incorporating their own Kansas City. I mean it was our name for fuck’s sake. Then Missouri took all the good bars and sports teams.

Basically, half of it resides on the Kansas side and the other more fun way cooler half resides in Missouri. The Missouri River is the border and I’d feel terrible if I didn’t take a moment to request that you not swim in the Missouri River for fear of catching typhoid (??). And while we are at it, don’t try to swim across the Mississippi River either. Even if you’ve had a few too many beers aboard a St. Louis Riverboat Casino and your friends are all, “Stop being a fucking baby and kick your feet! I’ve got money on you!”

He started to really get into the photo shoot.

My credentials: I was born and raised in Leavenworth, KS–a bedroom town about 20 miles to the west, just a quick swim across the…ope, nope, never mind. I graduated from Leavenworth High School, then hit up the University of Kansas for a year, before I drank myself south to Missouri State University in Springfield. But still, #RockChalkJayhawkKU. I lived in the Missouri Ozarks for 10 years then moved on, but most of my family including my mom, still live in the KC Metro.

KC is home for me. And yes, I know that Kansas and Missouri have atrocious politics and there is some uneasiness about traveling there, but trust me Kansas City is a truly safe and welcoming Midwestern city. The best actually. (Suck it, Chicago!) And I know and love PLENTY of people who are choosing to stay and work to make things better. But it is a slow, uphill battle. Much like the way Texas and Florida routinely ask us not to judge them by their extremists, I must ask that as well.

So what kind of things are there to do in and around the convention center? Well, I could go on and on about all the cool places to eat and shop, then there are the museums (so many cool museums) but major shout out to the Nelson Atkins, baby’s first art museum and the only one–to date–that I remember pissing my pants in. Look it, I was six and I’d had a lot of milk before I got on the bus, but that’s no excuse. It’s a stunning example of fine art in the Midwest and how can you pass up a photo op with the Shuttlecocks? The two giant aluminum and fiberglass shuttlecocks on the pristine lawn? The ‘cocks, as only I call them, were the brain-child of artists Claes Oldenburg and Coosje van Bruggen and while you might have to take an Uber(ggen) to get there, it would be a lovely afternoon.

But back to the shops and the bars because I know what you people are after. The Power and Light District has a bit of everything and is about five blocks from the convention center. Food, bars, shopping. An easy and relatively safe walk, though there should be plenty of Ubers if little-big cities stress you out.

If you’re looking for the real, real bars, you know the late-night rowdiness with greasy spoons to sop up the alcohol afterward, you’re gonna want to hit up Westport, KC’s Midtown. It’s a bit of a haul out past Crown Center to the South, but the Ubers and taxis will be running, especially on Friday. If you hit Country Club Plaza you’ve gone too far. You’ll know by all the three-quarter golf zips. Westport is also where you’ll find the best LGBTQIA-friendly places like Missie B’s and Hamburger Mary’s, and the best potential for a random hook-up with a sloppy local who won’t know what AWP is. You can spot them by their bucket of Boulevards and a wrinkled Travis Kelce jersey. Ope careful, that might be me you’re spying!

Speaking of rowdy bathroom hook-ups, lemme go ahead and pour one out for Buddies, the Midtown gay bar where I saw some shit as a youth that I can’t, you know, unsee. I was sad to hear of Lee Mecker’s passing and if you or anyone you know is in a volatile domestic situation, the Domestic Abuse Hotline is available 24 hours a day. Please call.

So what about food? If you’re looking for authentic, down-home KC BBQ I recommend Arthur Bryant’s. It’s a bit of a haul as well (over the Alphabet Loop) but a lunch stop there would be worth it. And if you have never had KC BBQ, I’m not judging you, but make sure that at some point you walk up to a greasy counter in a foggy part of town and order yourself some “Burnt Ends.” Sauced up, of course. If the establishment that you find does not have burnt ends, run. Run for your life!

For the hoity-toity I’d recommend Jack Stack at the Freight House. Close and pretty good. For steaks, it’s gotta be Golden Ox in The Bottoms! Don’t let “The Bottoms” scare you. Sure it’s down by the rail yards, stockyards, and factories, and sure I was once pushed down a 5-story tunnel slide on a piece of meat-packing paper where I was met by a man with a chainsaw who chased me to my car, but that’s just because every Halloween they turn the old, actually haunted meat-packing houses into the new, fake haunted houses. Places like “The Catacombs” and “The Edge of Hell” come to mind. So does my high school crush who wanted to do weird things on a waterbed, but that has nothing to do with haunted houses. Normally the West Bottoms aren’t that, umm, lively. But they are a good place to hop a train if at some point during the conference you decide you just can’t take it anymore. AWP, Kansas City, this fucked up life of yours, and you want to become a railway drifter. I suggest the 2 pm Union Pacific for its timeliness.

Speaking of your fucked up life. One more RIP here, this time for Chubby’s. Girl, you got me through some rough times in the late 90s and early aughts and I guarantee that some of my recent rejected essays sprang forth from the sad-girl poetry I wrote in your sticky booths.

There’s also good Mexican near Bartle Hall and plenty of vegetarian options too. And when in doubt, hit up Winstead’s for the Skyscraper or any QT on a busy corner for those roller taquitos. Extra points if you find a Taco John’s or a White Castle.

One quick note: The KC Chiefs (arguably the best team in the NFL #SorryNotSorry) are playing in the Super Bowl next Sunday, so if you’ll be around on Sunday morning I’d get the hell out of Dodge as quick as you can, lest you be trapped by the Biggest Block Party of all Time. The doors are set to open at 11 am at Power and Light. Don’t worry we aren’t hosting the Super Bowl, it’s in Vegas, but if you get caught up anywhere near Broadway on Sunday, you’re gonna feel like you’re there. Sans the warm weather.

On that note, did I mention you probably need to bring a hat and gloves? My mom keeps calling to tell me that it’s colder than a witch’s tit and there’s probably gonna be an epic ice storm like that one in 2007 and everyone is gonna lose power and we are going to resort to cannibalism at the Convention Center so I should probably just stay with her.

But she’s just like that.

Oh and don’t be alarmed by the fact that everyone will be dressed in red on Friday. It’s not a cult, it’s just Red Friday in KC. Well okay, it’s kind of a cult.

Last thing I’m gonna say about the Chiefs (besides repeatedly screaming to whomever will listen that we need to change the name and stop doing the tomahawk chop because it fucking racist, looking at you too Braves) if you see me I don’t want to hear shit about Taylor Swift. She’s a goddess and any true KC fan is open and accepting of her. Whatever or whomever turns Kelce into Beast Mode is okay by us.

Speaking of lifestyles of the rich and famous, if you’re a gambler you’ll be fine in KC. “The Boats” are on the Missouri River and include Harrah’s and Argosy. Keep in mind that gambling is only legal on the river, but I do know a couple other spots if you don’t want to risk North KC. All you have to do is buy me a gin and tonic and set me up at the penny slots. Please just remember, the house always wins… If you need help, click here.

Lastly, and possibly for some the glimmering fly in the shit-pile of a flyover state, recreational cannabis is legal in Missouri. You’ll find several spots to purchase. It’s relatively new (like the remodel at MCI) so I’m not entirely sure what the scene is like, but I’ve heard it’s mostly organized, convenient, and safe. The weed shops, not the airport. The closest spot to you will be Homestate Dispensary on 18th Street. And you can order online. Seriously. Seriously? That is not how I used to score my dime bags back in the day. Usually I had to go out to Troost with my friend Amber in her lowered Monte Carlo and hope that after we paid they were gonna come back with the weed. Either that or smoke that cow-patty ditch weed. You can still find that dankness if you look hard enough.

Ope, y’all had me so hyped about the new way to get weed that I almost forgot about the Boulevard. My short-term memory really is shot. Boulevard is a homegrown KC beer. It is cool, light, and refreshing and a must-try for any of you beery types. They have a little of everything. I liken it to Georgia’s own SweetWater Brewing and I highly recommend the plain ole Boulevard Wheat. You really can’t go wrong with that one. You can buy a Boulevard pretty much anywhere. They are made at Boulevard Brewing, but like I said, your hotel will have them. Any restaurant will have them. Your Uber driver will try to sell you one. Just say thank you and hit send on the damn Venmo already. We gotta get to Westport.

Welp, that about does it for me. I’m not looking to gussy myself up next week, but if you want to meet me come around the West Trade Review table (1012) nearer to closing time on Friday. I’ll be the girl in red, sipping on the Boulevard I poured into my Starbucks cup.

If you have any other questions let me know. Don’t fret, I’m close by and excited as shit to see my friends from Missouri, Kansas, Mississippi, and North Carolina among others. Kansas City truly is a melting pot of goodness. Of people, places, ideas, and cultures. It is the best of Kansas and Missouri and I’m so happy you’re coming home with me.

See y’all next week!

M.