I’m a September baby, which by all accounts means I am in fact just like Beyonce and I am also rightfully a number one on the Enneagram. Don’t come at me though, bros. You know I can dish it, but I can’t take it. Anyway, being that it is September now I felt called to remind you all that it is in fact Virgo Season. The stars seem aligned for a good season and speaking of stars, here is a two-act play I wrote for the amusement and posterity of it. Please enjoy. This is a dramatic retelling of an actual event.
Keep it sparkly, babes.
M.
Mercury in Retrograde: A Dramatic Retelling
Characters:
My kid (15 years old, smart, too smart)
Then there is Me
Act One
Jackson: I don’t know, everyone was just being weird.
Me: Well sure, Mercury’s in retrograde.
Jackson: What?
Me: Mercury is in retrograde, Bro. It matters.
Jackson: That’s not possible…Like it’s not scientifically possible for a planet to be in retrograde.
Me: Mercury…is in retrograde.
Jackson: Yeah I understand what you’re saying but…
Me: Do you?
Jackson: Do YOU?
Me: No, I actually don’t know what it means, but it’s a beautiful way to atone for your sins this time of year.
Act Two
(After he Googled for less than 30 seconds)
Jackson: It’s not actually spinning backwards, it just looks like it from Earth.
Me: What are you talking about, Brosephina?
Jackson: You know when another car is going faster than you and if you focus on the tires they start to look like they’re going backwards?
Me: Sure.
Jackson: It’s called “Apparent Retrograde.” Mercury is spinning faster than we are so it looks like it’s in retrograde, but it’s just an optical illusion.
Me: Hmpf. There you go. It makes people weird.
Jackson: How?! How does that make people weird?! Nothing is actually happening!
Me: Umm calm down, Lil Bro. The way the planets move has an impact on us.
Jackson: Astrology? Are you talking about astrology?!
Me: It’s the Moon and the tides and Saturn’s rings and where was Pluto when I was born because Pluto was a planet when I was born and also it’s Virgo Season, giiiiirl!
Jackson: 
Me: Look, I knew the planet wasn’t actually spinning backwards.
Jackson: Did you though?
Me: No.
End scene
Melissa Goodnight 