Melissa Goodnight

A Drama in One Act

Act I

Me (standing in the checkout line at Kroger reading periodical headlines for the first time in weeks and whispering to myself): Whew. We are fucked.

Cute Older Lady in Front of Me: So what do you think about the United Healthcare CEO?

Me: I try not to. He’s a prick.

Lady: (Jaw drops)

Me: It’s fine, I’m a United Healthcare Member I can say that. Hehe.

Lady: He’s DEAD.

Me: Ohhhh… Howdya’ find that out?

Lady: The NEWS!

Me: Ohhhh…I don’t watch, read, or listen to that anymore. That was newsworthy? I guess cause he’s like a bijillionaire or whatever.

Lady: Well it’s just sad don’t you think?

Me: I wonder who they’re gonna back fill him with?

Cause with the new year brings a bunch of policy changes and bureaucratic bullshit and I’d rather not spend it in six to eight weeks of pain, hardly able to walk up and down my stairs like last year, because the changes went into effect on January 1 and no one could help me secure my weekly shots in time and I had a flare-up of my spinal arthritis (that they said I didn’t have for two years even though countless specialists whom they refused to pay said something was wrong) but I’d actually had it since I was a teen it had just gone undiagnosed for 24 years on account of the state of women’s healthcare in our country and that’s why I have to take the weekly shots now or I’ll lose mobility by the time I’m 50…

Ahhh, it’ll probably be another prick you know.

Lady (slowly rolling her jaw back up): That’s horrible…

Me: Yes sorry, you’re right. I hope he died of natural causes and it wasn’t one of his mistresses that got him. Or his wife on account of the mistresses. Or his drug dealer. (chuckling at my cleverness)

Lady (as jaw slips from her hand back onto floor): What?

Me: I’m kidding. I hope it was a pre-existing condition. You know they called me the day I checked into the hospital to give birth to my daughter who had a chromosomal disorder and was hours away from dying inside of me, to tell me they weren’t gonna cover any of the “stuff” I was about to have done because they considered my “kind” of pregnancy a “pre-existing” condition.

Lady: Floor. Jaw.

Me: Imma get some gum I think…

Lady: He was MURDERED!

Me: Eukera! It was his wife! Case closed.

Lady: They don’t know who it was but they caught him!

Me (trying to make that make sense): Welp. Good?

Lady (pushing jaw back into face): Yes that’s very good.

Me: I mean I wouldn’t say it’s “very” good. He was a domestic terrorist who killed millions of Americans. They should all be shot.

Lady (jaw back down):

Me: Don’t we want domestic terrorists to die?

Lady:

Me: Just when you think you know a country… Aight, Imma head on over to self-checkout. Happy holidays!

[end scene]

PS…Last year United Healthcare threatened to pull me off the anti-depressants I’ve been on for five years because they were “too expensive” and my doctor and I had to prove I needed to be on the particular kind that I had to get pre-approved for in the first place (even though my doctor knew this particular kind would be best for me). The pre-approval included me “trying” several other kinds (two of which made me suicidal) and I almost had to quit cold-turkey the only one that have ever really worked and it was supremely stressful but just this morning I got an email from UHC telling me that they really care about my mental health now more than ever…

Thanks, United Healthcare. I love you too.

PPS… and so it begins. At least they gave me three weeks this time. Happy New Year!

M.