Melissa Goodnight

Duke: Well Mommy, you’re not gonna believe this…

Winnie: IT SNOWED AGAIN!

Duke: No. Shut up you moron.

Me: Be nice to your sister.

Duke: Sincerest apologies. But you’re not gonna believe this.

Me: What?

Winnie: IT SNOWED AGAIN!

Duke (deep inhale): Yes, it snowed again but that’s not what I’m talking about.

Me: Okay.

Duke: Ahem. You’re not gonna believe this.

Me: What Duke?

Duke: The opossum I killed the other night, the one that scratched me on the nose…

Winnie: OH NO, NOT THE NOSE!

Duke (sigh): That opossum I killed the other night because I had no choice because this is Florida Goddamnit and I can stand my ground…

Winnie: WE LIVE IN FLORIDA?!

Me: No, we live in Georgia.

Winnie: WHEW. OKAY I WAS SO SCARED FOR A SECOND.

Duke: In my mind we live in Florida.

Me: Okay, great.

Duke: Do you remember the opossum or not?

Me: Yeah, yeah.

Winnie: I DO! I REMEMBER! I REMEMBER HE WAS BIG AND MEAN AND HE HISSED AT YOU AND I RAN INSIDE SO SCARED AND DADDY HAD TO HOLD ME.

Duke: Right. And I had to protect our family because I am the only one capable of dealing with an angry opossum.

Me: Yeah, yeah, I remember you “killed” him and Daddy locked you inside and went back out and “disposed” of his dead body…

Duke: That’s right. What’s with the air quotes?

Me (eye roll): What about the opossum, Duke?

Duke: You’re not gonna believe this.

Me:

Winnie: WHAT?!

Duke: He came back to life.

Winnie (GASPING): NOOOOOO!

Me:

Duke: He’s a zombie opossum now.

Winnie (CRYING): NO! NOT A ZOMBIE OPOSSUM!

Me:

Duke:

Winnie (SOBBING LOUDLY): MY DREAM FORETOLD OF THIS…

Me: Do you think maybe, and I’m no opossomologist, but do you think maybe he never actually died? Like is it possible he was just pretending to die?

Duke: That makes no sense.

Winnie: NO MOMMY! THAT’S EVEN SCARIER.

Me: But a zombie opossum does make sense.

Duke:

Me:

Winnie (MORE LOUD SOBBING): THE ZOMBIE OPOSSUM WILL MAKE MORE OPOSSUM ZOMBIES AND THEY WILL INFILTRATE OUR BACKYARD AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Me: Go play in the snow.

Winnie (RUNNING OUTSIDE): OKAY!

Duke: I hate you.

[End Scene]