I snapped a picture on the beach at Jekyll Island yesterday and when I woke up at 3:00 am drowsy from Trazodone and tequila blanco, unable to fall back asleep, I wrote this. So…
You’re welcome?
Lloyd: Sorry to bother you, but my friends and I are wondering if you’re planning to nosh a bit this morning.
…
Lloyd: The thing is…
Peter (yelling from the back): Ask her if she has any Goldfish, Lloyd!
Lloyd: Shut up, Pete! (Clears throat) Pardon. You see we are just weary travelers…
Steve: Nah, I bet she don’t have no Goldfish.
Lloyd (whipping his head around): Can you please let me do the talking?! Please! Zip it!
Peter: Okay.
Steve: Wow.
Peter (miming Lloyd’s stance): Can you puleeeeease let me do the talking?!
(Laughter)
Lloyd: (clears throat)
…
Lloyd: I apologize for my friends, it’s been a hectic week. I’m sure you understand. School’s back in session, tourism is down. Hurricane Erin has us all in a tizzy.
Peter: Lloyd, ask her if she has those pretzel Goldfish!
Steve: I swear Petey, you’re the only one I know who likes the pretzel kind.
Peter: No Bill likes ‘em too.
Bill: Leave me outta this, you sick freak.
Steve: Ohhhh, he called you a freak!
Lloyd: Can you guys shut the hell up?!
Steve and Bill: OHHHHHHH! (Laughter)
Peter: Whatever. Hey, Lloyd. ShittySeagullSaysWhat.
Lloyd: What?!
Peter, Steve, Bill: OHHHHHHH!
(Laughter)
Lloyd: (Clears throat)
Steve: I bet she has some lozenges for your throat, Lloyd.
Lloyd: You know what, Steve…
(Sunbather suddenly closes her book.)
(The flock freezes.)
(Sunbather flips to her stomach.)
(Chaos in the flock. Lots of flapping wings.)
(She opens her book.)
(Big sighs.)
Lloyd: I hope you’re a bit more comfortable now. I didn’t want to say it, but I do think it was time for you to flip.
Steve: Are you gonna rub lotion on her or are you gonna get us breakfast?
Lloyd: GODDAMNIT!
(A flutter comes in from the back and a single seagull lands.)
Marty: What the flock is up, my mofos?!
(Eye rolls, tongue clicks)
Lloyd: Nope. No. Not today, Marty.
Steve: Marty, what are you doing here?
Peter: Lord, give me the strength. I can’t deal with this asshole today.
Marty (picking at his teeth): I have business on this beach, believe it or not.
Bill: We don’t believe it. You messy, boi.
Marty: I’ll have you know that I tracked a baby in a stroller here. Her mom was feeding her Cheerios straight from a little cup and the baby was just tossing out as fast as she was gettin’ em.
(Jeers of disbelief)
Peter: I call bullshit. There’s no babies here.
Lloyd: Yeah, where’s the stroller?!
Marty: Well I got sidetracked when I saw you conniving assholes over here with this big one.
Peter: Uh huh…
Marty: Anybody ask her if she’s got goldfish?
Lloyd: FUCKING CHRIST, I HATE ALL OF YOU!
(More jeers and wing flapping.)
Marty: Jesus, what’s eating at Lloyd? Is this about Patsy?
Steve and Bill: Nooooo! Don’t do it, Marty.
Marty: Hey Lloyd, where’s Patsy been? I heard she’s been staying over at Ray’s.
(Lloyd charges Marty. Wings and jeers. Flapping. Lots of flapping.)
Steve: He’s not worth it, Lloyd.
Lloyd: You keep Patsy’s name out of your mouth, Marty. Get the hell out of here. I’m working.
(Lloyd inches closer to sunbather.)
Lloyd: Hi again, I’m sorry about my comrades. Marty has no people skills.
Bill: He has no bird skills either.
Marty (walking away with his chest puffed out): Screw you guys, I’m going fishing. I don’t need you or your dumbass sunbathers.
Peter: Hey Marty, there’s a stroller!
Marty: WHERE?!
(Laughter.)
Peter: Naw, I’m fucking with you.
(More laughter.)
Marty: Screw you guys and the north-north west winds you flew in on.
(Marty flies away.)
Lloyd: Wait, y’all hear that?
Bill (looking around): No, what?
Lloyd: Silence. Fuck Marty.
The Whole Flock: Fuck, Marty. Fuck, Marty.
Lloyd: So you see ma’am we were just wondering if maybe you had some goldfish?
Steve: Man, I’m sick of this. Let’s fly across the state line. You know there’s some wild shit happening in Florida today.
(Whole Flock nods head in agreement.)
Flock lifts off sand chanting, “Fuck, Marty.”
(Sunbather watches birds fly away, then opens her bag and pulls out Goldfish.)
(Pan to the bright, morning sky and a flock of seagulls headed south.)
End Scene.
Melissa Goodnight 
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