Things I’ve Said This Week

My husband has been out of town this week, which means I am single-parenting it. And listen, big shoutout here to the single parents. My own mother was a single mom of four, and honestly, whew, I’m not sure how she did it, because when I have to be a single mom for a week at a time, it is rough. Of course I don’t have a support system here in Georgia, so it makes it that more difficult. But I did have some good chats and texts with friends this week that kept me going. Either way, I said and wrote some things this week I am not particularly proud of. I said and wrote them out of passive-aggressive spite, tiredness, and probably low-blood sugar. What follows is a list, to the best of my knowledge, of things I have said and written in various platforms this week. Enjoy!

  • Fuck Class-Dojo!
  • The damn dog is afraid of the fake owl in the garden!
  • I was in the “back room” of the video store, you know, hanging out.
  • Vasectomies for dogs is a thing, so now we don’t have to be mean and cut off his balls, you know?
  • So the alien robots take over the world and everyone dies, except for us because we hide in a cabin in the woods, and when it’s time to repopulate the universe you have to do all the heavy lifting, cause well, I got nothing inside anymore, and eventually the radioactivity that allowed the aliens to beat us, seeps into our bodies and we are able to outlive all the other people on the world. Eventually we are the two oldest living “true” humans, not android hybrids, and we Thelma and Louise this bitch. You in?
  • WHY ARE YOU BARKING?!
  • We’ve all peed in a trash can once or twice, right?
  • The damn dog is trying to hump the fake owl!
  • Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. Then what happened? Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. That is very interesting. Go brush your teeth.
  • Oh, someone might die? Cool. But what time does your plane get in on Friday?
  • Do you want me to mail your shampoo?
  • I’m not paying someone to cut his balls off! That is so fucking rude.
  • She’s gonna be Poseidon, so I mean, I think we should go.
  • How many granola bars did you eat for breakfast? Did you eat breakfast?
  • Secular summer camps sound great, but listen, I live in Georgia now, so I have to do a lot of sitting on my sun porch drinking gin and tonics this summer. I just can’t commit. You get it.
  • Go get the damn fake owl from the garden before the dog kills it.
  • OHHH, chicken Wangz and Lil Smokes! Well then, all is forgiven.
  • Go clean your room. Go clean your room. Go clean your room.
  • Yes, but what did the school nurse say after you told her you already pooped three times and your belly still hurt? Did she tell you to go back to class? You need to go back to class.
  • Did we eat dinner tonight?
  • WHERE THE HELL IS BURGER KING?
  • Yeah, I know the owl is FAKE and can’t die! Go get it!
  • Wait, wait. Remind me again who Mad-Eye Moody is.
  • I swear to Baby Jesus, I will send him to his Grandma’s.
  • Just make popcorn, dude.
  • I talked to Mrs. Martin, the school nurse, and she is not happy with you. She thinks you were fibbing about your belly hurting.
  • No technology tonight. Yeah, go watch tv.
  • This is why your belly hurts! Sugar! All this sugar!
  • WHY am I the only one who can pick up towels off the floor?!
  • Mrs. Martin said you could poop in her bathroom.
  • Minecraft.

M.

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