This Week in Georgia

As y’all probably know I currently live in the Atlanta-metro area (just like Ludacris and Elton John) and today I was thinking since we share a border with Florida, the craziest state in the union, I wonder if weird stuff happens here too? And yeah, it does. Here is a list of shit that happened this week in Georgia. Enjoy!

  • The doors of an armored truck opened on The Perimeter and approx. $175,000 flew out onto the highway
  • I pooped seven or eight times a day, on average
  • A landlord evicted tenants for inviting black friends over, denies claim by saying: “Some of the best friends I got is colored folk.”
  • A Wendy’s was shut down when several employees tested positive for Hep B
  • A woman ordered a “Moana” cake, but her accent was so thick that the baker thought she said “Marijuana” so she got a cake with high My Little Ponies and a huge pot leaf
  • A Bibb County deputy was arrested for leading a racketeering scheme that involved gas station slot machines
  • The man who was accused of killing his mom for “Driving him crazy” was arrested at the ATL Airport
  • I filled up the hot tub with super-cold water and floated around in it while I drank spiked seltzer waters, listened to Adele, and had a very real conversation with an imaginary character in the book I am reading
  • A slow-moving triangular aircraft traveling under the cover of darkness was reported in Marietta
  • It was revealed that the highest number of military enlistees come from Georgia
  • A couple of teenagers staged a kidnapping at a mall for a YouTube video. People thought it was real, chaos ensued.
  • “Hipster Mayor” of Clarkston, Ted Terry, is running for senate (he’s the guy from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” turned mayor, actually, yeah, for real)
  • My neighbor Ginger, tried to give me a sheet cake that someone gave her
  • A homeowner shot a man who was breaking into his house carrying a machete
  • “The Peach Truck” is on sale on Amazon. It is a cookbook made by the guy who drives all over the country selling Georgia peaches from the back of his pick-up
  • A 30-year-old man tossed a 13-year-old girl out of the car window during a low-speed police chase. He met her online for sex. While this happened in South Carolina, the man was from Georgia, so it counts.
  • It was discovered that the Starcourt Mall in Stranger Things 3 (an actual mall in Gwinnett County) may not be around for that much longer. A sports aficionado wants to bulldoze it and turn it into a Cricket stadium with 20,000 seats.
  • The Georgia Poison Control Center says no on essential oils, too dangerous especially for kids under 5. But for real, did you not know that? Put the damn essential oils down, Karen and go to the doctor.
  • Mr. Kim’s cat ran into my backyard and tried to eat peaches from my tree, when I let the dog out to chase the cat away my damn dog didn’t see the cat and the cat froze like a statue and I thought the cat was dead, like terrified straight, then about 14 squirrels who were hiding in the tree came out at once and distracted my damn dog and the cat got away

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