I’ve been really into making lists this week. It’s probably because I’m writing a piece of flash fiction that is just a list of things in a kitchen junk drawer over the course of 70 years because this is what my life had come to. Anyhoo, here is a list of shit I have said, either to myself or someone else, in the past three days. I’m leaving this here for two reasons: 1. Posterity and 2. I just wanted to make another list.

• Why you gotta have an attitude, Siri?
• You don’t know who Janie Fricke is?! Janie Fricke is an understated, and often overlooked, country music star from the 1980s who won multiple awards between ’81 and ’86, and you know what, I BELIEVE that if it weren’t for the Neo-traditionlist piece of shit Patty Loveless, Janie Fricke would be a household name today.
• Do people in Japan use forks?
• Thomas Jefferson copied the original plans of the White House from a French estate south of Paris called Le Château du Rastignac. I hate Thomas Jefferson.
• Flights are cheap to the Dominican Republic right now, we should go this weekend.
• Koala Bears are a breeding ground for Chlamydia, dude.
• I was wrong, Banana Surprise isn’t a sex pose. It’s a kitchen gadget that allows you to poke out the inside of a banana and fill it with chocolate. I ordered one.
• Skunks are like cats, I read an article one time.
• Copyediting is kinda fun.
• LIAR! Wyatt Earp is buried in Colma, California.
• Another fucking tropical storm!
• The average income in North Korea is like $1,500 a year, so I mean, I’d be a really rich person if I moved there.
• “I think I’m down to my last broken heart…” (Twirling my dog around in my arms)
• Hey Siri, is Hula Girl a derogatory phrase?
• Ramen Noodles give me a headache. I dunno, probably ’cause the sodium skyrockets my blood pressure.
• Next time you go, take a cage with you so you can capture the skunk. Then bring it home and de-skunk it, and a make it a pet, and let it babysit for you whenever you need to.
• Kansas is so far away!
• I like Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler together.
• I would have ABSOLUTELY stolen the money from the freeway had I been behind the bank truck when money was flying out the back of it. Absolutely.
• Can I get another Bomb Pop?