If you’re new here, Duke is my standard poodle. His full name is Sir Duke Barkington of Charlotte (even though he was born in South Carolina, shh, he doesn’t like to talk about that). We named him Duke for three very different reasons. Jerimiah chose Duke because he’d always wanted a dog named Duke. He said it was a “cool dog name.” Granted, he always envisioned naming a kick-ass dog like a German Shepherd that name, but instead he got a poodle. Jackson picked the name Duke because of the big, brown, fluffy dog in the movie “The Secret Life of Pets” (our Duke is also big, brown, and fluffy), and I chose Duke because of John Wayne, obviously. Sir, because he’s French nobility (so he thinks), Barkington because that’s one awesome surname, and “of Charlotte” as one does with royal lines.
Duke, as we refer to him in casual company, is big, and goofy, and recently neutered so he’s working through some stuff. But I did sit down with him yesterday and ask him to write out a Christmas list to send “Baby Jesus.” He’s very confused about Christmas, and Santa, and religion, and well, most things. This might be a good time to tell you he’s also a Republican. He was just born that way. There’s no conversion therapy. Believe me, I’ve checked. And not that this is an excuse, but again, he was born in South Carolina.
Anyway, I asked Duke what he wanted Santa, err, Baby Jesus to bring him and he proceeded to write Baby Jesus a letter and I’m sharing it with you today just in case you have a big, brown, fluffy, Republican dog to buy for too. You’re welcome.
From the Desk of Sir Duke Barkington of Charlotte
Dear Baby Jesus,
Remember last year, when my family put the Christmas tree up as a sacrifice to quench your thirst for plastic? And remember when I immediately took it down, chewed up the light cord, and ate three or four of Mommy’s presents? You still gave my gifts! Remember that?! You still, even though I destroyed your sacrifice, stuffed my stocking with treats and tennis balls. Since I wasn’t the best boy last year and you still gave me gifts, well, I can tell Baby Jesus that you are a generous soul, like me! I haven’t torn the tree up once this year. Even though Mommy had my testicles removed to teach me a lesson. What the lesson was, I don’t know, but I’m trying to be better.
So in the spirit of goodness and forgiveness I bring forth my list of Christmas
demands wishes. Thank you. In Baby Jesus Jeff Session’s name we pray. Merry men!
Duke’s Christmas List
- My testicles back, if not possible then the testicles of the doctor who took mine away.
- A Cabbage Patch Doll, sourced locally from the Cabbage Patch General Hospital, with an additional 287 Cabbage Patch Doll heads. Not cabbage heads. I may know the difference.
- A device that allows me to get into the lid of the trash can, can be creative, one-of-a-kind device. Must be operated by mouth and frustration.
- Box of paper clips along with a detailed description of what they are, what they do, and why they make my gums bleed when I eat them.
- A surefire win for President Trump in the 2020 elections. Nothing with Ukraine though, we’ve tried that.
- Seven cases of whipped cream. Can be any brand except Starbucks, I don’t shop there anymore, since they didn’t put “Merry Christmas” on their cups seven years ago.
- Socks. Just lots of socks, no questions asked.
- A Chick-Fil-A gift card.
- 700 tennis balls, the good kind, you know which kind I’m talking about, don’t cheap out.
- A wife. She can be any breed as long as she’s a standard poodle. Must be white and from the United States. No French speakers.
- A full spa day where Mommy doesn’t remind me 50 times that what she pays for my haircuts is ten times what she pays for her own, so I “better not stay outside too long in the damn rain.”
- A rainstorm.
- A stuffed Grinch. I saw it at Petsmart, but Mommy wouldn’t buy it for me. She said it cost too much. I get the sneaking suspicion that my stuffies come from secondhand stores. That’s not fair. I want brand new stuffies to rip apart in less than a minute.
- Unrestricted access to all the bathrooms in the house. And any subsequent house I find myself.
- A Trump Chiapet.
Baby Jesus Santa, I look forward to our time together in a few weeks, wherein you attempt to come down the chimney and I stand at the bottom and wait to bite you. Your cookies will be long gone. Better bring a taser.