I read an article the other day. Woah, let me back up. I read a headline the other day and it said something about, “Moms Manufactor Christmas Magic, and It’s Stressing Us Out.” At first I was all, “That’s dumb” and I moved on, then, as I was struggling to get my kid excited about riding the Pink Pig at Macy’s (whole other post) and he was dragging his feet talking about, “Mall Santa’s aren’t the real deal” and “I wish we could go to Charlotte to see the Speedway lights,” I was like, “OMIGOD WHY DO I EVEN DO THIS?!” Then I remembered the
article headline and suddenly it made total fucking sense.
If you’re like me, you hold in your toots until you are in the safety of your own home, and you are determined to ensure that your family has the best holiday experience ever. Every. Single. Year. Even if that means killing yourself in the process. This is something we do for our children because our moms did it for us. That’s the real fucking tradition here, y’all, moms stretching ourselves so thin that we undoubtedly come down with walking pneumonia by February 1st. Just in time for Valentine’s Day.
So why do we do it? First answer is, if we don’t who will? Like for real. Is your husband gonna put everyone into the car to drive from neighborhood to neighborhood to see the lights? Is he going to bake 1000 cookies and be calm and helpful when royal icing is dropping in giant globs on the floor? Who is going to wrap all the presents? Who is making the detailed lists about which stocking gets what, and how many Dunkin’ gift cards you need for your kids’ 86 teachers? You, that’s who. Us. Mommies.
We plan the classroom parties. We buy the tins to put all the baked goods in for the mailman, and the whole fucking cul-de-sac. We say, “Time to go caroling!” and “Pajamas and Christmas movie marathon today!” And guess what the kids remember from year to year, that shit. The shit you started to do cause it seemed fun one year or you remembered you mom doing it with you and now, even though they are rolling their eyes at you one minute, the next they are all, “But Mommy, we haven’t watched Santa Paws III!” Jesus, I can’t watch another movie about a dog saving Christmas. I can’t, y’all.
But then, just when we think we can’t take anymore. Just when we are like, “Imma kill that motherfucking Elf on the Shelf,” your child looks up at you, wraps his arms around your waist, and says, “I love Christmas!” And you’re like, “Fuuuuuuuck!” Then you run to Kroger in your pajamas at midnight because you forgot the damn carrots for the reindeer.
I guess I want to say this: Thank you Mommies. Thank you for spreading this Christmas magic. Thank you for the sheets of cookies, and the OCD way you hover over the icing bags as they decorate what is supposed to be the Grinch, but it looks like a pile of baby throw up. Thank you for saying, “Oh honey, it’s the Grinch! He’s amazing!” Thank you for instilling the gift of giving this time of year. Thanks for letting your Elf on the Shelf make a big-ass mess in your kitchen. Thanks for reading The Night Before Christmas, and taking rides on the Polar Express. Thanks for the Christmas songs, for the hot cocoa, for the visits to Santa with the screaming babies and the ambivalent pre-teens. Thanks for keeping that Christmas magic alive for one more year, because I hear it doesn’t last forever, and you’re doing it, Momma. You’re doing it. Enjoy this season.
And thanks to my own mom, who somehow kept the magic going until I was in middle school. She always made me feel special and so excited that I couldn’t sleep for a week. Thanks to all the mommies, and friends, and siblings, aunts, cousins, and daddies who help us. We appreciate it more than you know. And thanks for the gifts of chocolate and wine, it really does help.
Let’s go forth today Mommies and kick some Christmas ass! One more day. We got this. And if you’re running out today for that one thing you forgot, remember to check and make sure you have:
1. The stocking stuffers (did you get treats for the dog’s sock?)
2. The cookies, milk, and carrots
3. The big “showstopper” Santa gift
4. A full bottle of wine
5. Melatonin so you can pass out at 8:00 pm, since you’ll be up a 4:30 am
7. A charged cell phone for pics
8. Cinnamon Rolls
9. Baileys (for your coffee)
10. Cute pajamas for that Christmas morning photo sess
May the odds be in your favor. May peace be with you. You’re doing great.
Eleven years of Manufacturing Christmas Magic! Sparkle on!