You’re Not Alone

Hey, psst. Yeah, you. Come closer, I have something to tell you. You know that “weird” way you see the world? That way that makes you cry at things you think you shouldn’t cry at, and laugh at things you shouldn’t laugh at? It’s not so weird, the way you manage this world. I get by the same way, and there’s more of us. There’s a whole army of us. We’re just too shy, too introverted, too busy, too preoccupied, too stressed, and/or too scared to admit it. Or reach out.

I feel too much sometimes. I feed off the energy of other people. I sense, without knowing why, when someone else is having a shit day. And sometimes it makes my day go to shit. And other times I kick into high gear and try to turn their day around. I haven’t figured out how it works. I’m a novice. Too young maybe. Too chaotic of a brain, perhaps.

You know how you think of someone, then later that day they call you. Or you run into them at the grocery store. Or you find out something has happened to them. Or maybe something stops you from reaching out to them and you don’t know why, and you wish you didn’t have that little, nagging voice sometimes. Yeah, me too. Ignore the voice.

You think too much. Me too. I get it. But it goes beyond thinking. You think, then you fixate, then you stress, then you think. It’s a cycle. It feels like there’s no way out when it starts and I doesn’t only happen on Sunday afternoons. It’s sporadic. Maybe it coincides with he moon phases. Maybe it’s hormonal. You’ve thought of all the possible scenarios.

Some days, my thinking/feeling/sensing renders me useless and I spend more time than I should in bed staring at the ceiling, or playing solitaire on my phone, or reading a book, or making up lists of things I’ll do when I’m not bogged down. Some days my thinking/feeling/sensing makes me want to eat Oreos and listen to sad music. Some days it makes me want to call up a friend I haven’t talked to in years. Some days, if I’m lucky, it makes me want to write and I feel a little productive. Some days.

But usually I’m just here. Somewhere. In the middle of this swirling tornado of overthinking, asking why, feeling overwhelmed, stressing about all the things, and wondering why the people who love me, actually love me. Worrying I’ll never really trust the love. Wondering if I’m worthy of it, if I return the love in kind. Pleading with the universe to keep me in their favor. In her favor. In your favor.

So I guess what I mean to say is, you’re not alone. Geez, I know it feels like you are some days. But you’re not. There are more of us out there. A whole army of us. And when/if you’re ready to mobilize, count me in.

Sending virtual hugs, and copious amounts of tea to you today. Try not to overthink it too much. But if you do, it’s okay. I still love you.

M.

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