Why can’t I remember what I intended to do when I walked into the living room but I can draw, from memory, Rosie the robot housekeeper from The Jetson’s? Why can’t I sit down and actually write a piece of flash fiction that isn’t total trash, but I can watch seven episodes, back-to-back, of “Brick City” the docu-series about Cory Booker and how he changed Newark in 2008? Why can’t I concentrate long enough to play virtual games with friends for an hour, but I have no problem falling asleep halfway through my fifteenth round of solitaire on my phone? Why am I this person? Why do people put up with me?
I dunno, I’m stuck in my head again today, ya’ll. Obvi. I’m stuck and can’t find a way out. Yesterday I cleaned my office. I legit went through my desk drawers. I organized my paperclips. I ORGANIZED PAPERCLIPS. I Lysol-ed my desk, my keyboard, my chair, and my lamp. I ensured that one of my bookshelves was in order by color, while the other only had female authors on it. I placed hand sanitizer next to my screen. I did all this in hopes that I would sit down to write the next day and a wonderful little story or poem or essay would shoot out of my fingertips onto the screen and I’d be okay again. It did not happen.
Instead I trolled a poodle website and ordered my kid some clothes from The Gap.
The fucking Gap.
I haven’t shopped at The Gap since God-knows-when and it occurred to me that he needed new clothes for sixth grade and the first place I typed into the search bar was The fucking Gap. What is actually wrong with me? There are a million better places to shop for what amounts to a uniform, considering my kid only wears suits, khakis (not denim), and polo shirts. Like why the fuck did Target not automatically pop up in my history? What is happening?! Where am I headed? Gap Hell. That’s where. Then, just like that something happened in my head. I felt happy. For just a moment. And I thought what is this happiness I am feeling? Is this from shopping? Then it hit me, I miss TJ Maxx.
Four hundred dollars later. Jesus, I wish this was a joke. Four hundred dollars later, I successfully shopped for all of his back-to-school clothes, FOUR MONTHS EARLY, and then I was like what now? I can’t just go stroll through TJ Maxx. What should I do? Should I buy school supplies? Where should I buy them from? Office Depot?!
Two days later I bought new bedside table lamps. They are touch lamps. I ordered touch lamps from Amazon because I didn’t want to have to actually push the button to turn a lamp off anymore. It was too much. It was all too much, pushing switches to turn a lamp off?! What is this, communist Russia?!
I think I’ve reached that point in quarantine where nothing I do makes sense. The world is make-believe and the points don’t matter. Only in this case, it’s real money from my bank account and it, uhh, kinda sorta matters. Someone stop me. Someone tell me I don’t need to buy a case of wine because “The more you buy, the more you save!” Someone tell me to unplug. To delete my debit card from automatically popping up. Someone tell me, would barn doors be okay on my office or should I just install French doors?