I’m sitting in the parking lot of the dentist’s office. I’ll spare you the details of this visit, but just know it’s the last one! Woohoo! Well, you know except for my yearly cleaning and check-up but I don’t want to talk about that today. Today here’s a list of things I’m thinking about while I sit in my car at the dentist office. It’s like a flashback to “Thoughts in the Car Line” that I used to write back when I sat in a car line to pick Jackson up from school. The last time I did that was in the middle of fourth grade, so it’s been awhile, but we all deserve this. Enjoy!

Thoughts in the Dentist’s Parking Lot

  • Why?
  • Where is Waldo? Like for real, Southern Cali?
  • Is cereal soup?
  • Dolly Parton donated all that money to Vanderbilt to come up with a vaccine so shouldn’t we name it “The Jolene Vaccine”?
  • Do people get paid to come up with conspiracy theories? If so, how do I get a job doing that?
  • Is cereal a soup like chili is a soup?
  • My first conspiracy theory would deal with Waldo and where he is. Like, “News Flash: Waldo, the beloved children’s book character from the ‘Where’s Waldo’ series, was spotted in an alley behind the Kum ‘n’ Go smoking meth from a shared pipe with Pippi Longstocking. When approached Waldo and Longstocking told reporters that they were in fact the ones responsible for climate change, having sailed the high seas all over the world putting small amounts of calcium chloride into the water. When told that calcium chloride is just salt and the water already has salt in it, they fled on foot while screaming, ‘We shot JFK!’ Neither Waldo’s mother, nor Longstocking’s father could be reached for comment.”
  • If people would read news headlines as suspiciously and critically as they do on April Fool’s day, we wouldn’t be in this “Fake News” mess.
  • If I could morph two animals into one animal to make a super animal it would be a puma and an elephant.
  • Fuck, Marry, Kill: Donald Trump Sr., Donald Trump Jr., Ivanka Trump (Super easy: Kill: DJT, Fuck: Little Donny, Marry: Ivanka)
  • What is the internet?
  • I think there are beings on other planets in other solar systems, but I also think they watch us on CNN and are like, “Nah dog, let’s not make contact just yet.”
  • Gonna teach the dogs to read this week.
  • “Don’t kid yourself” is a great slogan for birth control pills.
  • Children’s book idea: “Good’ay Roo” about an Outback kangaroo named Roo who goes around punching bowls of mush and old ladies, much better version of “Goodnight Moon” which is just full of bowls of mush and old ladies.

That’s all. Wear a mask. Don’t travel for Thanksgiving (or go to relatives’ houses), wash your hands, if you live in Georgia make a plan to vote in the run-offs, and FUCK THE PILGRIMS! Have a great week!


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