Playing Catch-Up

I’ve been sick. The kind of sick where you cough so much and with such conviction that people in an airplane, or people in Target, or people in your bed look at you with disgust and shift away from you. As if you can help it. The kind of sick that gives your stomach muscles a work-out and makes you have to run to the bathroom every time you cough because you’ve had two babies. (For those of you who can still cough, sneeze, or jump rope without pee running down your leg, well, all I can say is, shut up. No one cares.)

The kind of sick that makes you stay in bed.

The kind of sick that makes it feel like cooking dinner was an accomplishment.

The kind of sick that stresses you out because you are aware of all the work that is building up around you as you take yet another nap in the middle of the day.

But I am fighting it. I started back to Burn this week.

I started making dinner for the family again.

I did laundry.

I made a grocery list.

I stayed awake all day. Well. I plan to do that. Today.

But in the midst of all the sick and chaos that has surrounded me each day for the last week, there have been small triumphs.

I finished another month of Clomid. And this time it didn’t make me crazy. Or bloated. Or unable to sleep. Hooray!

I got to see my best friend graduate and I got to spend Mother’s Day with my Momma. Hooray!

I got to read a book I had been wanting to. Hooray!

I got to watch “The Handmaid’s Tale”! Hooray!

I got to match all my un-matched socks.

I got to order some stuff I have been putting off.

I got to watch the rain peacefully come down as I shouted at my pool to keep its fucking chlorine or I will murder it. Hooray!

And one more thing: Last year, Jackson ran up to me and wrapped his arms around me in a hug. He said, “Mommy! I love you. But how come I can’t reach my arms all the way around you when I hug you like I can with Julie?” (Julie is one of my very slender, best friends).

I told him that his arms were too little and he would grow bigger and that was that. I didn’t really want to get into a conversation about me being overweight and how I’m sad, and tired, and ready for a change. Cause I wasn’t ready quite yet.

Then two days ago he ran up to me and put his arms around me and gave me a hug. He said: “Mommy I love you! And look! I can get my arms all the way around you!” And you know what? He could.

So my first thought was, well he grew! He had a growth spurt! And maybe he did.

But also, I have been putting a lot of work into myself lately. And a small part of me wants to believe that it is paying off. It is paying off in measurable and immeasurable ways.

So there it is. My last few weeks in a nutshell. I’m trying not to be sick. I am trying not to slip into the abyss that sickness creates in me. I am trying to stay on track and positive. I am still trying to do everything and be everything. But sometimes it is okay if we need to rest. And I am slowly learning that. Just get back out there after you do. And remember,  small victories are only small if you make them!

M.

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