Some Days

Today I hit the snooze button. My alarm went off at 5 am, like it normally does, and I hit snooze. I did it yesterday too. And the day before that. I guess some days are easier than others. Yesterday at Burn I was way behind on the “beast-maker” which was our “finisher” the exercise that we end our workout on. It is normally tough because you’re already very tired and want to give up. Yesterday’s was tougher than normal. I got behind the group and little-by-little they finished, until I was all alone on the “stage”. My two trainers came over. One did it with me, one said motivating things. People watched, judged I am sure. But I shut all that out. I got down to two more. Then one more. Then I finished the finisher. But it was tough.

Last night I was overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed by laundry piled up in my laundry room. I was overwhelmed because my husband is sick and can’t help. I was overwhelmed because it is my baby’s last week of second grade and I have a million things to do before Friday. My mom comes to town Sunday. I had no plan for dinner. My homework wasn’t turned in yet. I was overwhelmed. I wanted to go to my bed and hide under the covers. I wanted to cry. But I remembered that morning. I remember standing on that stage. I remembered finishing the finisher. So I did what needed to be done that day.

In a week I start my last round of Clomid. Month three, still no baby in sight. Month nine of charting and cycling. Year three of “trying”. It frustrates me. It drags me down to a place I don’t want to be. Some things help. I got a FB message from a friend the other day. I was on her mind. She was praying for me in this process and just wanted to lend a shoulder if I should ever need it. I needed it that day. It was one of those days.

Today I have accomplished more in the first four hours of my day, then I would routinely accomplish in the first eight hours of my day, three months ago. Three months ago I didn’t crawl out of bed until about 10 am. Three months ago I was overwhelmed everyday. Three months ago I was 30 pounds heavier and much more tired. My days are getting better.

My attitude is changing.

My body is changing.

My goals are changing.

My life is changing. I know it. I can feel it. Just not as fast as I would like.

Some days are wonderful. Some days are crap, y’all. But on the crap days we need to remember the wonderful days. Remember what got us to where we are now. Remember who we have in life. Not what we have. Who we have. Because who we have is going to get us a long way. And if you have no one, you always have yourself. We always have ourselves. We can either pull ourselves down or lift ourselves up. Try some lifting sometimes.

M.

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